Mushroom-clam Marinara Sauce

leftover cans that've been sitting around the house like that pack of clove cigarettes some pretentious asshole left at a party. don't smoke them. make this sauce instead. it's best with fresh pasta, or even better, homemade fresh pasta. but whatever, we all have our priorities. I won't judge you.
(yes I will)

Ingredients:
1 lemon
2"x4" block of asiago cheese
1 portabello mushroom
1 large green bell pepper

1 large white onion
1-4 large garlic cloves
evoo (enough to coat pot)

1 large can diced tomatoes
1/2 large can pureed tomatoes
1 small can tomato paste
3 cans minced clams
balsamic vinegar (1/4 c)
black pepper (2-4 tb)

small bunch of cilantro (handful)
fish sauce (1/4 c)
oregano

1.
puree the portabello, cheese, lemon juice, and green pepper with some tomato juice from can. the idea is that everything becomes minced, but still has some chunks. on a side note, this makes a damn good dip by itself. I couldn't stop sticking my fingers in it, like Augustus Gloomph with a bowl of fudge or some shit. it helps if you roughly chop the larger items first. also, if you don't have a food processor, that's cool: just mince everything with a knife.

2.
quarter the onion, then slice it. mince the garlic. throw it all in a large pot with the evoo. now just let it all simmer down now. simmer down. simmer. down.

3.
add the puree to the pot and the rest of ingredients (except cilantro, fish sauce, and oregano) to the saute. simmer for 2 hours, aaaaand watch Sean Connery pretend to be russian in The Hunt for Red October? take a bath with your sexual predator? convince yourself that newspapers are fun to read? I dunno, do something that takes around 2 hours!

4.
add the rest of ingredients to taste, except for the oregano. that's for a garnish for whatever the hell you use this sauce for.

Cilantro-Citrus Hummus

I love hummus. I mean, christ, it's just bean paste, but it's damn good paste. some beers, some fresh, warm hummus, something to dip it in, some more beers, warm hummus, nothing left to dip except using torn pieces of the 30 rack, more beer, no more hummus, and the drunken tears of a chickpea addict.

anyway, this variation is good with beer and burritos.

Ingredients:
3 cups chickpeas
baking soda

2-3 garlic cloves
3/4 cup tahini
1/4 cup olive oil
lemon and lime juices

cumin
cilantro

1.
let's start with the chickpeas. now, you can buy 2-3 cans of precooked chickpeas. they're still pretty cheap, and it is quicker if you need that hummus fix. but let's be honest here: they smell like farts when you open the can.

it's much more satisfying to use your own cooked- I mean, you're making the hummus from scratch, just make the chickpeas too, fer chrissakes.

the easiest method is to buy a bag of dried chickpeas- the larger the bag, the cheaper they are. even dummies can figure that one out. take 3 cups of the suckers and place them in a large bowl of water overnight; 2-3 inches of water covering the chickpeas should work.

the next day, take that bowl and dump it into a pot of boiling water. pretend you're cooking pasta here, except add a liberal pinch of baking soda instead of salt. when the water starts frothing, keep them a-brewing until they become squishable.

that having happened, strain 'em and set 'em aside. feel free to keep a cup or two of the chickpea water on the side for later.

2.
now take out your food processor. no fancy gadget? try a blender...magic bullet...or some kind of masher and a bowl. the more powerful the machine, the easier it will be to attain silky-smooth hummus. And that's what we want here. a hummus as soft as your weenus.

add the garlic and a large handful of fresh cilantro, in addition to some olive oil. we want some liquid to help chop up the herbs. keep pulsing/mashing until you get a paste, and then start feeding the chickpeas into the machine on high. as soon as the machine starts to slow, pour more olive oil into the whirring mix until the 1/4 cup is gone.

what you want to achieve is a very silky, slightly-thinner than smooth peanut butter consistency. if it still seems too thick, add some of that chickpea water you set aside, or just water from the tap, and keep blending.

3.
so now we have a cilantro hummus. eat it with a spoon, shmear it on your naked lover's body, or give it to your mailman so he stops stealing your online poker winnings.